It's been a while.

Well hello there.

Obviously, I've been extremely lazy for a while and not bothered updating. It's not like there has been a shortage of bADVERTISING fodder, but something has changed. The other day I viewed something so awful, so mind-fistingly (look it up) dreadful that I very nearly shat my own soul in pure, unadulterated anger.

This is what I saw:

Fuck you. Fuck you and your weird, gigantic maw. Fuck your mindless moron of a friend and fuck that bloke who makes the peace sign right at the end. I hope you've all already resigned from humanity and fucked off into limbo.

Tellingly, comments have already been disabled on YouTube for this clip, presumably because the internet can only store so many death threats. Easily a contender for bADVERT of the year, this comm is the sort that, to steal a quote from a much funnier man than I, will make you depressed beyond tablets. Especially when the likes of this Crunchy Nut Cornflakes ad get pulled because apparently things aren't allowed to be actually funny anymore. Instead, we have to put up with this cunt:

2009's Worst Human award (in association with Nuts Magazine) goes to...

Go Fact Yourself.

And here. We. Go.

I don't know about you dear reader(s), but I remember 'diet-Ben Affleck' up there from a ridiculous Saturday morning kids show called 'High School Were-teen' or some bollocks. Anyway, although his chin seems to be as superlative as ever, he does appear to have changed a bit. Judging by his demeanor, his car salesman character went to the world renowned Patrick Bateman Business School.

You're a fucking ugly bitch. I want to stab you to death,

and then play around with your blood. Air Con and electric

windows? You got it!

When he's not leering creepily at a woman who looks like she'd rather chew her own feet off than be seen in a 206, he's getting the basics of the French language wrong. I'll leave it to a random poster on YouTube to express what we're all thinking -

Paul 668 (1 day ago)

'We have noir.' That's French for black you daft cunt!! They cost 10k, why the fuck would I give you 12.5k?? Yadda Yadda!'

Thanks Paul. It's a shame Peugeot don't make 'em like they used to. That's to say, well.

Fuck You, Pot Noodle...

Seriously, what happened to Pot Noodle ads? They used to be brilliant, embracing the inherent grubbiness of the boil-in-the-pot snack. Ads like this and this were funny and fairly brave by TV standards. Even the Welsh Pot Noodle miner series was a bit of fun (I'm allowed to say that because I'm Welsh).

But now? We get this bullshit.

Yeah. I get the idea. Spoof a music genre with some ordinary 'blokey' blokes. Except, with spoof the key is to have a decent stab at the style and quality of what you're referencing to highlight the absurdity you're injecting. Not so here - the 'rap' has the sort of rhymes you'd expect from a 5 year old kid writing a poem in school. "Hmm, what rhymes with men? Ben, den, when, zen... pen? Yeah, that'll do. Fuck it, a sausage with a pen, people will find that hilarious."

No they won't. You fuck-end.

The only bit that actually works here is utilised the least, and that's the send up of the Beyonce video. It actually looks the part, but in reality it's just using one of comedy's lowest common denominators - a fat guy in a leotard.

Incidentally, the fat guy in question makes me so angry with his smug "obviously" I'm now going to bash my forehead against the key board.

dsfghusiudfhi//.ufewiufweuifio svosd'[vouhvIHSV8SVB DEISnoiv oideosidejmfguwbefjqbjdv []\e\;fcpl

Ouch.

Her name was Roberta Paulson...

And I'm back.

Well, that was teeth shatteringly annoying.

Ya know, at first I was expecting some sort of Fight Club homage (Pepsi Max are good at that), with the Bargain Basement Supremes tribute act being the collective Brad Pitt to our heroine's Edward Norton. That, inevitably, turned out to be a stupid idea, although I reckon it would have benefited hugely from blondie shooting herself in the face, killing off her sequined alter ego(s) and herself so that this advert never has to shit on my retinas ever again.

Unfortunately, the reality of the ad is much sadder than an on-screen suicide. Blondie is so chuffed to win 20 measly, stinking pence that you have to wonder what the fuck is going on. Think about it - shimmery imaginary friends, softly lit room, talking to herself - blondie is clearly a mental case, and we're being invited into her addled, drug-filtered mind where she retreats away from the horror of day to day life. That all important 20p? Just another contribution to her smack fund.

If you think about it like that, it's actually the most effective anti-gambling advert ever. Possibly.

Ahem.

I haven't posted anything in a while. That is mostly down to the affliction known as laziness, and also because downloading vids to subsequently upload them here has nearly bust through my download limit. But mostly, laziness.

Anyway, have a gander through this rather excellent blog for your bad-adverts fix while you wait for my next pancreas-bursting-ly good post:

Photoshop Disasters

And by you, I mean whoever stumbles upon this post. I'm not fooling myself that I have an actual 'audience'. Honest.

Dave's Commerical Prolapse # 4

Yup, it's another double bill from Dave.

In the latest chapter of Activia’s war on 'bloatedness' we find has-been celebrity and former page-three slapper, Nell McAndrew, indulging in the fantasy of having her own chat-show:

Today’s first guest on ‘Nell’ is Emma from London, who I’m sure is cottoning on to the fact that Nell’s career on TV is pretty much restricted to her own mind, although has sportingly agreed to play along.

Emma - like most people who have anything to do with Activia - is feeling a tad bloated and strangely is happy for that information to be bombarded into the average consumer’s minds. Just think if you will about how it feels to be bloated. Now think of Emma struggling with that feeling, clutching her stomach and pulling a grimacing face, breathing out slugglishly… GO ON, IMAGINE IT!

Luckily for our collective mental sanity Emma has found a solution in Activia, as it is ‘scientifically proven’ to cure the oh-so scientific malady that is bloatedness. Activia contains the miracle science of Bifidus ActiRegularis, you see. Of course, that means nothing; it’s just a selection of words which sound vaguely scientific, but it has the word ‘regular’ in it, which could mean it makes you regular? If it’s ‘scientifically proven’ I suppose we should just do what they say. After all why would science lie to us?

After all that rhetoric, Emma feels a lot ‘easier in herself’ - although doesn’t say specifically that the bloatedness has gone - so all hail the scientific bamboozlement which is Bifidus ActiRegularis. In fact so miraculous is the change she feels a fool, for not having tried it before. You hear that everyone? Danone’s calling us all fools unless we try their magic vanilla flavoured goo. We better do what they say, as they have science to hand and to question science would be stupid. And we don’t want to be stupid now do we?

Dave's Commerical Prolapse # 3

Here's Dave Jani again...

This advert is actually quite refreshing, and probably more so than an actual gin and tonic - which to me tastes like rat piss with a twist of lemon.

It’s pretty fun and satisfying to see Gordon Ramsey pelted with things which, despite the apparent metaphor of the advert, are probably not all that nice to have dropped on you.

I mean think about it, Lemons and Ice are hard if dropped from high up enough. Also the lemon might get in his eyes – don’t even get me started on what the gin would do as well - and I don’t care how tough and uncompromising he is, it will still hurt. Then again he’d probably react with some f'ing and blinding, so in that sense it would just be another day in the office, or err… Kitchen. Still, saying that, if you turn the music down, it does look like he starts screaming when the ice starts hitting him.

It seems we are just watching Gordon being tortured by a rather inventive sadomasochist, perhaps a disgruntled cocktail waiter from Claridges looking for revenge or whatnot. Normally I would have expected it be one of the kitchen staff getting his own back on Gordon, perhaps by pouring hot soup over his head. This too would be pretty fun to watch, as Gordon staggers around the screen screaming from third degree soup burns. Still I wish the advert was a little longer and we could see more unpleasant things be dropped on Gordon - like some snapping turtles or unsold Chico CDs. Also, I'm wondering what the second course of drinks this madman intends to drop on ol’Ramsey will be. Personally, I'm hoping for flaming B52's.