Dave's Commerical Prolapse # 1

Guest contributor Dave Jani presents us with the first of his 'Commercial Prolapses'...

Hey kids do you know what’s fun? Stalking! However this isn’t just any old stalking, this is stalking for the 21st century child, which combines all the elements of short attention spans and ‘random’ humour.
Now I as much as anyone loves a bit of random humor, although when it’s bastardised to such an extent, to the level of making a Horne and Cordon Sketch look like Monty Fucking Python, I then begin to lose interest in the idea. It makes me dream of trapping the creator of this lowest common denominator bullshit in a cage made of hardened cheese strings, and then continuously playing back a selection of these wacky, pointless soundbites until he loses his mind.

“What’s this then, oh right we’ve got a worried looking grandma having a birthday party”. Our surveys show teenagers find the elderly acting all innocent and then having the shit scared out of them funny. Probably seconded by a focus group of long haired monosyllabic cunts who occasionally chuckled at the concept and muttering words like “cool” and “random” etc.

I can imagine the twats thinking (when they do): “Look at all their stupid faces, all worried and that, because some nut job is hiding in the background making stupid noises. People getting confused at things is funny! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Durr, they don’t know what’s going on do they?” Then again sadly neither does anyone else. Seriously - who did they get to advise them on this? Beavis and Butthead?

Perhaps this advert needs a more sinister twist at the end, like it turns out it was a crazed cow was chasing them all along, who suddenly stampedes and gores them on its horns made of cheese. Gets the same point across and doesn’t trivialize stalking either. Also, surveys show that kids love violence, so everyone wins!